Marlea’s Miscarriage
Hi! Marlea here 🙋🏻♀️
October is one of my favorite months. It was the month I was born I just love fall, all the colors, smells, foods, clothes. It seriously is one of the best times of the year and the weather here has been so good this year!
I just found out this morning that October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. In honor of that, I am going to share my miscarriage story. I hope this will help someone. When I had my miscarriage I wanted to talk about it and I felt so alone. But when I told people I felt like it was brushed off, it seemed so common, and it hurt me to know that so many women experience miscarriages or other loss and do not talk about them.
May of 2019, Trent and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. We went to a mud bog which was so fun since we had not been to one in a while. When we got back we felt really connected and you know. We usually are pretty safe. That's how I knew that was When I conceived.
Two weeks go by and I don’t even think about it again. But randomly I start feeling different. My breasts start to hurt, and I want ice cream a lot. I usually could care less about ice cream. But I wanted a Chick-fil-A IceDream every night. I worked at the dermatologist office at the time where they had boxes of pregnancy tests for accutane patients. When I went to work I took a test, I still remember the febreeze scent that masked the air in the bathroom. Two lines popped up, this is an HCG test not a test you would typically get, so I did not know how to read it. So I googled and freaked out a little because I think it’s positive. I took a few more tests, then went to get a fancy one on my lunch break. I could not believe it, I was pregnant!
I told one friend at work, mainly because I needed to know if I was reading the tests correctly. That night I told Trent. I bought him a card, baby socks, and gave him all my positive tests. We were both so happy!
The next day I took another test, still pregnant! I called and made my doctor's appointment. I did everything I knew I was supposed to do. I started to become very anxious and emotional. My best friend actually asked if I was pregnant and I freaked out and told her no. I called the only “birthy” person I could think of she was a doula and I had no idea what that even meant, I just needed to tell someone. She let me know that I was ok and I was allowed to announce it whenever I am ready and gave me much needed peace.
After I had peace of mind. I started to become excited. We saw our future, we hoped and dreamed. We were very happy to meet little Baby B. Also I kept eating ice cream.
A few more people asked if I was pregnant within the next few weeks and I kept saying no because I was anxious and scared. I was still taking pregnancy tests daily. One thing I noticed that was always in the back of my mind was the test line was a lighter pink almost every time.
A week or two goes by, and I start spotting. Barely just when I wiped, not in my underwear. I googled and read spotting can be normal early in pregnancy so I tell myself I’m okay.
My pregnancy symptoms slowly start fading. My breasts no longer hurt, cravings go away. I started feeling very dizzy to the point where I thought I would faint and I started to have migraines. I had hope though, Google said I was okay, I do not have period cramps, and my pregnancy tests are still positive.
We finally told my best friend. My husband had a corny “bun in the oven” joke. Shortly after we told her, I anxiously told her everything that was going on with my body. She told me to just call and talk to my doctor for reassurance.
The next day I called my doctor. They told me everything is normal and to come in or go to the ER if the bleeding gets bad or I’m in pain.
That Saturday the bleeding started to show in my underwear. Later that evening, we had a normal day, and I really wanted to tell my sister. I figured it would bring me joy, and The anxiety and fear would go away. The whole time I told her, there was a voice in the back of my head saying “you are not pregnant, dummy” I told her about my fears.
By Sunday it got worse, and was accompanied by a slight pain, but not like period cramps. I decided I would like peace of mind, and we headed to the emergency room. They did a urine sample, blood test, ultrasounds, and gave me an IV. I remember wanting my mom there and still being scared to tell her. They gave me my results- they said my HCG level is in the 600’s and they think they found a small sac in the ultrasound. They said this could mean I am very early along or that I have had a miscarriage. But I would have to wait 2 days and have repeated labs to find out.
The next 2 days were very emotional for me. They seemed to drag on and on. I had to fight to get off work. We went to the follow up appointment.. The ultrasound was first, we asked the tech if she saw a baby, She said no, but the midwife would go over it. We waited, the midwife told us unfortunately it is a miscarriage and it happens all the time and hands me a tissue. That night and I guess the whole week after that I cried non stop, and I finally told my mom.
I fortunately had off that Wednesday, I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t because I was an emotional wreck. My sister and I were hanging out. I tried to distract myself, but every time I went to the bathroom I couldn’t help thinking that I was flushing my baby down the toilet.
Time heals and it seems like yesterday but also a blur. It was so quick, my guess is I was 6 weeks pregnant. It is okay to be sad regardless of how far along your pregnancy was. Talking about it helps tremendously. Pay attention to your body, if it is trying to tell you something trust your instincts and seek help if you need it. Also announce your pregnancy to whoever whenever you want!
